Monday, December 22, 2014

Free falling

Sometimes life calls you to enter an abyss...a place you never navigated empty space where there is nothing to hold unto for safety other than your faith. The invitation is just for you. You'll be traveling alone. The deeper you go into the abyss, the further your old life will be pushed into the background until it no longer belongs to you. It will not be an easy journey. Each day though, will offer you seeds of grace. On some days, the seeds may be tiny. You must look carefully for them...
I'm restless. Things are calling me away.
My hair is being pulled up by the stars. - Anais Nin

What I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled...
to float above this difficult world. - Mary Oliver

Sunday, December 21, 2014

A good day for change


As a young girl, I wanted to be popular but I was too shy and insecure to have the spotlight on me. As an adult, I hung unto an unrealistic teenage desire for people to like me, to be the favorite, to be popular. Though I've had moderate success with popularity, it's come with a price tag. My dignity!
It's really only been in the last few years that I'm able to stay solid and intact if others don't like or agree with me. Though I've walked through some pretty tough lessons to get here, it's been worth it all. I feel excited to be on the fringe of new-found freedom. The joy of stepping out suppression brings me to my knees again and again, weeping with pure gratitude
Shame has been the culprit behind my compulsion to please others.  Without doing my shame work, I'd still be hustling for approval. I encourage each of you to dig for the strength to thoroughly examine your life. Do an honest inventory. Be brave and truthful. Let's together, dust the skeletons in your closet. You are not alone. It's a great day for change and growth...

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Moving forward

You may want to stay in the comfort of your cocoon...
 even though life is beckoning you to try your wings. 
The cocoon has offered you warm shelter...
 during in an important transition period.
But now you are being called forward.

When the cocoon has fulfilled it's purpose,
it starts to shrivel and die away.
Don't hold unto any illusion that it's still protecting you.
 Instead, breathe and spread your wings.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Wearing a lamp shade

Are there times when you feel like...
 you're wearing a lamp shade on your head? 
Embarrassing moments when you think the world...
 is watching you make a fool of yourself?

Shame is under the lamp shade.

Because we carry shame,
we cover our flaws with perfectionism.
We defend our mistakes because we can't be wrong.
And when we get too uncomfortable, we hide.

We can let our shame separate or unify us.
Reality is that we all make mistakes.
That we all have shame to some degree.
And that we all hate how it feels.

We need to bring more compassion to shame...
 rather than judgment.
Let's stop trying to be right or perfect.
Maybe we can even learn to love our flaws.


Thursday, December 18, 2014

Taking the blindfold off

Suppression is a defense mechanism we use when we want to forget something unpleasant. We consciously choose to suppress the truth, and create a story we like.
Repression is another mechanism. It's different in the sense that we are unconsciously choosing to forget. The unpleasant experience is shoved down so deep, we can't remember it.
 Though coping mechanisms protect us when we're too fragile to deal with certain things, there comes a time when it's also hinders our ability to move forward. It's important to examine our lives, past and present, in the most honest way we can. Though denial feels like a protective blanket we can pull over us, hiding under the covers is not a good choice for the future.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Demons and goddesses

No more stories about demons and goddesses.
No more playing the blame game...
creating stories in your mind...
where someone is the victim, the hero... 

Enough chatter about good guys/bad guys.
 Never mind about who's right or wrong.
Shame loves to point the finger.

Don't idolize anyone either.
It's helpful when someone inspires us,
but don't make them better than you.

Everyone who comes into your life...
 is here to teach something valuable.
Look for the lesson rather than...
 letting your mind be seduced into conflict.


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Doing my own shame work

Hidden behind pride is shame. Some of the things I used to pride myself on was; my material things, my good health, my husband, my children, my home, my job, my good fortune, being financially secure, being strong, being self-reliant. 
About sixteen years ago, life took a drastic turn. My 23 year marriage crumbled. In the midst of our divorce, my husband died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. I was no longer a wife or even an ex-wife.
Though I had been diagnosed with FMS years before, it wasn't until the stress of my life got so out of control that I became very ill and was forced to quit my job. Any pride I had about being healthy and financially secure, was knocked out of me.
My daughter, who once was an honor-roll student, became addicted to pain meds. Once again, my pride bubble got busted and shame showed up behind it. I felt like the world witnessed all my short-comings as a parent. When my daughter died from an over-dose, I couldn't play the pride game of being strong and self-reliant. I lost all sense of grounded-ness. There were days when the grief was so overwhelming that I couldn't even manage driving or dressing myself. And not only was I left with a gapping hole in my heart, but whatever pride I took in being her mom, was shattered.
Following that, I became so sick that  I couldn't physically manage caring for a house anymore. So I sold my home and gave away most of my material things. More pride being stripped away.
Circumstances forced me to do my shame work. Up to that point, I pretty much hated myself and never felt like I fit in, but I hid the truth from everyone. Shame had a strong hold on me, but obviously life had another plan for me.
I would love to say that my shame work is done but no such luck. About six months ago, a situation happened that uncovered more shame. Even though I'm still in the process of cleaning it out, I feel stronger and more confident then I've ever have before. 
Every time I heal a little more shame, I get to meet more of the woman I really am - my flawed perfect self. All is well!!!